I have a new girlfriend!!...Jealous??

So the other day my mom yelled from her bedroom and asked me if I would pick up some candy for her at the dollar store . At first I was pissed because I was in the middle of playing mortal combat on Xbox live against some 7 year old kid from Holland, and he overheard her and started giving me shit about it. He was saying stuff like, "Awwww...what's the matter? Mommy won't let you play with the big boys anymore?" So I called him a Nazi , and told him I knew his address and was gonna have his parents killed. Hehehehe! He fell for it and starting crying and then left the game. I was feeling pretty darn good about myself at that point, so I agreed to go to the store for my mom. She gave me $30.00 and the keys to her sweet 1990 chrysler Lebaron convertible that she no longer fits into. I was rollin' like a baller, biatch! So there I was, driving down the road with cold hard cash in my pocket and Europe's "the final countdown" cranking on the stereo while rockin my awesome limited edition men in black ray ban  sunglasses. I felt like a millon bucks! I came to a stop sign, and there standing on the corner was one of the most beautiful women had ever seen; She was tall, blonde and really, really skinny like a super model, and her face was thin and sculpted with high cheek bones. She sorta resembled a female Clint Eastwood (my favorite actor..."left turn clyde!" hahah). I sat there and hesitated for a moment trying to work up enough nerve to say something charming or witty to her. Then something amazing happened! She spoke to ME!!! "What's up," she said in a gruff voice (which ironicly sorta even sounded like Clint Eastwood) as she took another drag off her newport cigarette. "You wanna date?" I couldn't believe my ears...my uncle Jimmy had always told me how pretty girls would only date guys if they had fancy cars and alot of money but I never believed him cuz he huffs alot of paint and screams at himself in the mirror, but now here I was experiencing it first hand for myself! I had only been driving this sick whip for twenty minutes, and the first hot piece of ass I come across already wants to be my girlfriend!! Well... I wasn't about to blow this oppurtunity, cuz it had been a while since I'd gotten laid. The last time was when my auntie barbara drank too much wine at a family barbecue and pulled me into the toolshed when I was 13! So I looked at her and said "Yeah..I'd love to date you!" She kinda chuckled and then threw her cigarette on the ground and crushed it into the pavement with her really expensive looking high heeled shoe."Well, lets rock and roll!" she said as she opened the door and slid her unnervingly boney ass into the passenger seat . I was sooo nervous but she made me feel at ease right away...I mean RIGHT AWAY. "So, whatchoo want baby?" she said as she grabbed my peepee through my stonewashed wranglers. "Ummm...I dont know," I said nervously. Then she says, "How bout I blow you for twenty?" "Yay!!..that sounds great!" I said (but in my head I was thinking there's NO WAY I'm gonna last a whole twenty minutes!!). Then she says, "park behind there..that's a safe place..no cops," and she pointed to a store called " St.johns baptist church." So I pull in behind the store and parked. She must have really liked me a lot cuz she immediately unzipped my fly and started sucking on my dingaling!! It felt great ,but I felt kinda bad for her cuz earlier I had jerked off with olive oil and never washed it off, but it didn't seem to bother her one little bit!!  She kept asking me if I was gonna "come" but wouldn't finish her sentence cuz she was really into sucking my weiner. So I just assumed she meant come meet her parents. Wow, can you say Fatal attraction? (cue music from psycho). I suddenly felt all tingley and light-headed and a bunch of white stuff came out of my peehole. Then I got real tired and we both sat there for a minute while she smoked another cigarette.She then turns to me and says, "Alright, gimme twenty and you can bring me back." So I'm like, "Are you fucking nuts? Look, I think you're really nice and all ,and I enjoy spending time with you, but there's no way I can do it for twenty. Maybe tomorrow I can, after I've rested a bit, babe." Suddenly she was like Jekyl and Hyde and went absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY!! She started screaming all kinds of crazy shit and threatening my life and said that I had "fucked with the wrong bitch today". Then I said that I couldn't believe how much she had changed, and that she wasn't the same person I met a half hour ago and then I added that I didn't think things were gonna work out between us. That only sent her into more of a rage and at this point she started having yucky looking yellowy gunk forming at the corners of her mouth. She couldn't take it cuz I had broken her heart! Then she took out her cell phone and called somebody named "Jubba". A couple minutes later this tricked out cadillac pulls up behind us and some big black guy dressed in a what looks to me like a Cowboy/ Mr.T halloween costume. "Ha! Now you're fucked, asshole!" she says, as she gets out of the car, and then starts telling him how I owe her twenty and that I refuse to give it to her. He then walks over to my car window and says, "Listen, Cracker, my lady here say you got some service and owe her twenty." Then I said, "YOUR  LADY???!!!" That's when I realized that this bitch was playin both of us!!! I told him, "Well, I hate to break it to you pal, but she just cheated on you with me!!!"  He then got a reallly confused look on his face and said, "What da fuck you talkin' bout whiteboy? You know she a fucking ho, right??" Well, I saw RED! Even though we were broken up I wasn't gonna let ANYONE talk that way about her!  Infuriated, I got out of the car ready to defend my now ex-girlfriend's honor, but to my surprise,he was MUCH ,MUCH, MUCH, MUCH  more stronger than me!! He picked me up by my feet and held me upside down and shook me ferociously until all the contents in my pockets emptied out onto the pavement. Then he swung me like a rag doll throwing me about 15 feet into the woods and  directly into a giant old oak tree. Crumpled in heap of flesh and broken bones, I watched helplessly as he picked up the $30.00 dollars my mom had so trusted me with.Then he held up a $10 bill and yelled to me, "This is my tip, asshoow!" Then they both got in his car and beeped the horn obnoxiously to mock me as they sped off into the distance. It took me a few hours to muster enough strength to finally drag my partially paralyzed body back to my car. When I got home my mom was pretty well pissed about the $30.00 bucks, so a few weeks later, when I got out of the hospital she made me work it off by reshingling the whole house and going to ball room dancing classes with her. I stll see my ex from time to time, still standing on that same old street corner. She's a little skinnier now and the soars on her legs are a little more pronounced. Time hasn't been kind to this little butterfly. I often beep and wave, but she just flips me the bird and yells some profanities, then resumes swatting away invisible flies and scratching vigorously at her sunken, tiny face. Guess she still has some hard feelings about how it ended. I often wonder how my life would have been different if things had worked out between us. We'd probably have a nice house somewhere with a picket fence, two kids and a dog which we would  have of course affectionately named Jubba. But it wasn't in the cards, I guess. I have a strange feeling though that one day we may be able to put every thing behind us, and learn to forgive each other and possibly patch things up. Of course, I could be wrong, but something tells me that she's out there thinking the same thing too. Then I could ask her why my balls itch so much and look like flesh-colored cauliflower. I guess only time will tell. 

My high school football coach died'ed today.

Today I found out some terrible news... my old high school football coach, Mr O'leary, died'ed of a massive heart attack. He was a really nice guy and the only teacher I ever had who truly believed in me. He said I could do anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it...including male modeling! Haha...We both would laugh when he said that, and then suddenly his smile would fade and he'd get all intense and say, "seriously, you could." He really boosted my self esteem in those awkward years. He always encouraged me to push myself further and "just let things happen because god has a plan" as he so often put it. One day on the field I was having a paticularly bad football pratice...all the other guys on the team were getting mad at me cuz they said I was hogging the ball and running the wrong way, so I got really upset, tore off my jersey and helmet, then threw them on the field and stomped on them with my buster brown cleats that my mother had just gotten me from the local goodwill store. I shouted "THAT'S IT.....I QUIT!!!" Then I got even more upset because they all started cheering and throwing confetti in the air. Time seemed to stand still, and I stood there for a moment not knowing what to do. Finally, I shouted "WAIT TILL I COME BACK HERE TOMORROW WITH A SHOTGUN AND BLOW EVERY ONE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEADS OFF!!!!" Hahahaha...at that point I knew I had  gotten their attention because they all stopped cheering and got eerily quiet!  I was on a roll, so then I screamed "And you're all a bunch of poopie-headed dumb dumbs too!!" Then I raced off the field, thinking God must hate me as much as he hates crippled kids and poor people!! I felt like a complete and utter failure, and then tears just started streaming uncontrollably down my face, causing my acne to itch really badly. I was humiliated. I went back to the locker room and just sat there holding my head in my hands and sobbing. Then I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, so I turned around to see who it was, and there stood a shirtless Mr O'Leary! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! Mr.O'leary must have also thrown his shirt on the field too in a brave show of unity and support for me!! "There, there son," he said softly in my ear as he stood behind me smelling like peppermint. "Remember what I told you?...God has a plan..and now it's clear to me what that plan is," and then he placed both hands on my shoulders and started giving me a really awesome deep tissue massage! Ha!! I had never seen him do that for ANY of the other guys!! The only bad thing was, his white belly hair kept poking me and tickling my back..but I didn't want to complain and seem ungrateful. "So what's his plan," I asked ..."God, I mean". With that Mr O'leary spun me around to face him, he looked me sternly in the eyes and said, " He wants me to personally train you, and get you into tip top shape, so that next year you can become this school's hero quarterback!" Omg...I couldnt believe what I was hearing! Me, a quarterback?? Then he said he would only do it if I agreed not to tell anyone cuz he could get in alot of trouble for giving me "special treatment," so of course I agreed not to tell a soul!! In the weeks and months that followed, I would secretly meet Mr.O'Leary at night after school was closed in the locker rooms to train. It was very intense...he would put "Eye of the tiger on" during the workouts and insisted on us taking lots of showers together. He said the steam from the hot water would help me drop weight so I could run faster with  the ball. He also taught me other really important things too, like how to slap the other teamates butts properly like the pro's did on t.v. He said it was very important for team morale and that I needed to"get it just right" or our opponents wouldn't take us seriously,and it would give THEM the edge in a tight game. So months went by and we kept training and training ,sometimes as much as 5 times a week, and  by then I was getting pretty ripped! Mr O'leary even had the genius idea to track my progress by taking polaroid pictures of me every day in various poses!! Ha...guess he was right. I WAS handsome enough to be a male model! So I went to school one night to train like usual and waited and waited..but Mr.O'leary never showed up..I was really worried! I couldn't even call him at his house. He made me promise not to because his wife had some rare disease that makes her really scared of the "ring sound" a telephone makes. I felt sick to my stomache and couldn't sleep at all that night, and I went to school the next day eager to find him, hoping he hadn't givin up on me. There was some type of commotion going on in the hall way, and a bunch of teachers where huddled together and  whispering . I overheard one of them say them say that Mr. O'leary had been arrested for assault on a minor! I was devastated....I knew it was my fault that he had been arrested! All he wanted to do, was to help me become a real man. I mean he worked me out pretty hard and all ...but assault??..I think that term's a little harsh. Well...Mr O'leary never did return to school, and I never did become a hero quarterback. But you know what I did get out of it? I got the best friend an innocent, impressionable young man could ever have asked for, and walking away with the true belief that God DOES have a plan. ....for all of us!  R.I.P. Mr. O'Leary, Inmate #18764

I joined a motorcycle gang!

So the other night I'm walking by this bar called The Man Hole, carrying my "The world is gonna end: Oct 25th" Harold camping sign, and there's all these really scary looking buff dudes sitting on their motorcycles outside. They all had leather jackets with crazy looking metal studs all over them, and every one of them had big furry mustaches. So I'm like, "Ohhh shit....I better not make eye contact with these guys," but to my surprise, they were really, really friendly! So one of em' says, "Nice sign" (I think he was the leader cuz his mustache was biggest of all of them) and I said, "Oh, why thank you. That's very sweet." Then he says, " I think you're really sweet." I was shocked!!  I mean, here I was thinking that these guys were gonna be totally mean to me and break my sign over my head, but turns out they end up being a bunch of absolute pussycats! I will never judge a book by its cover again! So then, get this...He asks me if I wanna hang out with him and his gang! Im like, "Wow, really?..but dont I have to be a member to hang out with you guys??" Then they all started laughing, and the leader dude says, "You are just adorable...what's your name?"  "Morty," I say, proudly. "Nice to meet you Morty...I'm Jake, and these guys here are my bro's. We call ourselves, "THE BIG SILLYS." Then he says, "I don't know guys....Think Morty here could pass the initiation?" Then he had me spin around for them (I think they wanted to make sure I wasn't wearing a wire). "Yeah...you'll do." he says. "Ok, you ride with me."  Holy shit, I couldn't believe it! Here I was was, little ol' me riding with the leader of one of the most feared and respected biker gangs of all time, and the thought that I could possibly become a Big Silly myself was overwhelming, to say the least! So after riding for a while, we eventually pulled up at an old abandoned warehouse. "This is it. Home sweet home," Jake says to me with a smile. "WOW! This is your hangout!" I said, with my eyes full of wonder and amazement. "It's everything I imagined it to be and more!" So we go inside and climb some stairs to the second story, then we enter a dark room that just has one big filthy mattress on the floor, no windows and a couple of old ladyish camel back chairs. It smelled like an old diaper in there, but whatever. I was just happy to finally have a chance to be part of something bigger than myself. So we all started drinking...and I mean drinking A LOT!! Jake was probably the most drunk though because he kept trying to wrestle everybody, and said he wanted to put me in a "full nelson." He said that he needed to see how strong I was, and if I could hold my own in a fight, so he started showing me a bunch of fighting stances and moves that he had choreographed to Abba's "dancing queen."  Man, he was strong! Anyway, they kept giving me more and more drinks, and at some point I must have passed out cuz the next thing I knew I woke up on the filthy mattress lying next to Jake! My pants were down and bunched up around my ankles and  my ass felt like someone had emptied a 12 guage shotgun into it!! "Jake!! jake!!" I yelled, waking him from his slumber. "What the hell happened last night?!" "Omg," he says."You don't remember? A rival gang showed up and you saved us!"  I was like, "What? Really?" "Yeah," he says, "They attacked us, and you fought them all off!" Well...why does my ass hurt so much? I asked. "Uh ummmm....Well one of the rival gang members broke a bottle and was trying to stab me with it, but you blocked it with your sweet ass.You're my hero!" Then Jake's eyes started welling up with tears and he took my hand gently in his, and looked right in my eyes and said, "You're one of us now, kid" With those words, my heart began to soar and suddenly the pain in my prolasped rectum seemed to all but disappear. Nothing else mattered right at that moment, because now I would be from that day on...an honorary and proud Big silly.

I sponsored some jerk kid in Guatemala.

1. I'm up late one night wearing my home-made Snuggie that I made out of an old shower curtain, just chillin' and watching some movie starring Valeri bertonelli, meridith Baxter and Tara read on the Hallmark channel--It was a comedy, something to do with cancer and rape. Anyway, this commercial comes on with some old guy that kinda looks like santa walking through what could only be described as a town made entirerly of dog poo, with a bunch of kids following and taunting him. At first, I thought it must be a commercial for a new Blu-ray edition of Star Wars  and the old dude was Obi wan Kenobi and the kids were dirty naked Jawas. I was like, "Goddamnit George Lucas !! stop tweaking Star Wars already! Jawas wear robes!!" Then I turned the volume up and realized that this old guy wanted me to sponser some kid for "a cup of coffee a day." My first thought was like, "Wtf?..little kids drink coffee in Guatemala?  Why do they need so much energy? What a strange stupid culture cuz its different, but whatever." Then they showed a few kids picking through a giant pile of scrap metal, and then it all made sense to me--they must need lots of energy to be able to climb those things! So I called the number on the screen, and some lady answered with some weird Chinesey accent. I didn't really listen to what she was saying because the cancer\rape movie came back on and I wanted to see if they were gonna show some boobies. Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and I kinda forgot all about it..Then I get this letter in the mail from them and I'm like "Faaaaak," I need to send these weirdos some coffee! So I went to the supermarket and got a box of Maxwell House singles instant coffee packets. Then went back home and sent one out in the mail. About a week later I get another letter and this one's from Guatemala! I open the letter and it looks like a retarded penguin got hold of a crayon and drew a bunch of jibberish and some silly looking stick figures dancing. Also inside, there was a polaroid photo enclosed of some jerk kid named Luca, and he had a big smile on his face. I guess this was the thank you letter that the lady on the phone said I would recieve. Then it occured to me: these bastards were obviously making fun of the stupid American that they scammed into sending them free coffee!!" And the little prick in the picture was laughing at me! I was livid!  I felt sooo stupid because I had just seen a show about these type of scams on Dateline a couple months ago, but I never thought it would happen to me! Well, I wasn't gonna take this sitting down! I booked a flight that same night with my mom's credit card that she said I could use in the case of an emergency (Its cool, she gets to keep the miles...It's gonna be my christmas present to her)  I arrived in Guatemala the next day, and Holy Crap...what a SHITHOLE! And there wasn't even a   fucking Taco Bell or Mcdonalds anywhere! I couldn't believe my eyes. There was actually live donkeys in the streets pulling carts and shit! They had a few cars, but no cool ones like porshes or lambo's like we do.  Everyone there has a tan and wears stupid out of date shirts and mom jeans. One guy I saw actually had a B.U.M. Equipment t-shirt on!! Hahaha....Get with the times LOSER!! Finally, I find some douche that spoke a little bit of english and showed him the letter I got from the scammers. So he looks at it and says, "Ohhh, yes. Good! This is very, very good and nice sir!" So I say to myself, "Good and nice??? Holy shit. This motherfuckers in on the scam!! O.k. I'll play his little game." "So can you take me there?" I ask. "Yes,yes...of course!" he says. "I know right were this village is." So we walk down all these shitty dirt roads for what seemed like miles, and finally come upon this ugly crappy little village in the middle of  nowhere. We stop and he says, "This is it, sir. You can find the child who wrote to you in the school over there."  Right then I know he's lying cuz he's pointing at this little cruddy shack that looks NOTHING like a school, and 'Im like, "Oh okay, thanks chico," and then I kicked him in the nuts and bolted into the so called "school" hoping to catch them off guard and screamed, "YOU MOTHER FUCKERS THINK YOU CAN SCAM ME??!  All these little kids brown faces turned ghost white and had the fear of God in their eyes! One kid even fell back in his chair and starting cryin' like a little biatch! They all had paper and crayons and were drawing more of their so called "thank you" cards. This was obviously their base of operation and I had caught them red-handed! Their boss was this older brownish lady that started yelling at me in some nonsensical language. That's when I saw that little asshole jerk kid, Luca, the little fucker that sent me the letter.  He was just looking at me with his mouth wide open. He knew he was busted! I pulled out the letter and held it up in my hand and shook it angrily at them and shouted, "You assholes watch american television with a bunch of moronic actors on it, like that show Life Goes On, and you think that we're ALL that stupid! Well, we're not!" Suddenly I felt a whack on my head, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the back of an old  pick up truck, hog tied with my mouth taped shut. We came to a clearing in a field and a couple of mean lookin brown dudes came out of the trucks cab and pulled me out and untied me. Then they said in remarkably clear english "Run amigo."  I was gonna fight them at first but they had a gun,so I decided to take their advice and ran so fast that my acid reflux acted up and I puked all down the front of my shirt, but whatever. I still got my revenge in the end cuz I never sent them anymore coffee! Hope you like climbing piles of garbage tired Amigo"s!!!!!!

Fun at the zoo!

So a few years ago I used to work at a  local zoo and for legal reasons I can't tell you which one, but I'll give you a hint: It has a bunch of animals in it. I was hired to clean the animal cages and enclosures, but got fired after only a week. They said the reason they were firing me was suspicion of animal cruelty because one of the monkeys (Bopsie) was cowering in its cage, and wouldn't eat or look anyone directly in the face and then one of my coworkers said that she had seen me exiting Bopsie's cage and that I had a bunch of black coarse fur stuck in my pants zipper and that I was "acting all shifty," as she put it. HA!...can you believe that shit?? So I thought of a really funny prank to play on those assholes -you know all the stories lately on the news about escaped animals going crazy and terrorizing neighborhoods? I put my old zoo uniform on with my regular clothes over it, slapped on a fake beard and headed to the zoo. I admit I was a little nervous when I got there. I thought they might recognize me because I walk with a very distinct fake limp. Anyway, the girl at the ticket booth kinda gave me a weird look, but I think it was because I was wearing those glasses that have slinky googley eyeballs instead of lenses. Anyway, after a brief conversation about weird things I enjoy smelling ,she hesitantly let me in. It was just as I remembered it: beautiful and lush, with the sounds of pissed off exotic, enslaved animals ringing in the air, while ignorant humans point and stare.(haha I made a rhymeded!)  And then I saw him-- My old friend Bopsie!  There he was even more glorious and handsome than ever! He was a little grayer around the mouth and temple area, but that only seemed to give him a more distinguished look, kinda like an simian George Clooney!!' Anyway, our eyes met and at first he seemed puzzled, perhaps sensing a strange familiarity. I knew It was now or never! I pulled off my disguise and stood there before Bopsie in my zoo uniform. Bopsie's eyes suddenly went wide and a  look of confusion washed over him, and in a split  second turned to unbridled monkey rage!! "It's me Bopsie, I'm back!" I yelled to him. He must have still been confused because he started literally going ape-shit and screeching like a Wall Street protester.  So I took out a bottle of red food coloring that I brought with me and poured it all over my body and began yelling as loud as I could, "The Tigers! They've escaped! Run! For the love of BOPSIE, run for your lives!" People started panicking immediately and started grabbing their children and running towards the gates! A pot-bellied lady fell on her stomach and got trampled by a few of the most cowardly people. Suddenly, I found myself being escorted by zoo security. I tried telling them it was just a really really funny joke and that I was sorry , but they were still pissed(they were probably mad that THEY didnt think of it). Then the pot-bellied lady came up to us (even though  2  E.M.T's were trying to restrain her and keep her on the gurney), and she's like, "This was your idea of a joke!? Are you fucking crazy?! I'm pregnant, you asshole!! So I was like, "No I'm not crazy, but the guy that got you pregnant...now THAT mother fucker's "crazy!!"!!"(she was kinda ugly and old...like 35) I think her hormones were all fucked up cuz Oh man, she went ballistic!!!!!!  Well, now I've been banned from the zoo and from seeing my friend Bopsie for life, but I found a way to see him anyway, anytime I want. I just go to the zoo's website and they have a picture of Bopsie right there! I just lean way back in my chair, and then I push my face towards the computer screen really fast and it looks like Bopsie's jumping at me.!! Oh, the games he and I play! Something tells me that big lug misses me......

Where It all went wrong.

A wise man once said to me...."You are most likely retarded, and you can't come to class anymore smelling like urine." That was my high school geometry teacher, Mr. Sullivan. I never really fit in with any of the various cliques in high school. I tried to fit in with the bullies for a while, but that didn't work because 99% of the kids were bigger and stronger than me, so I  had to resort to picking on the special needs kids..But man, those mongoloids are alot stronger than they look. So I decided to go for an easier target--the ones with cerebral palsy. Anyway, one day in the cafeteria I decided to yank away this kid's metal walking crutches and and he fell to the ground with his lunch tray and his food went everywhere!! To my comlete surprise, nobody laughed...there was just silence and a few gasps. So right then and there I decided that I was NEVER gonna look as foolish as this asshole did sitting there in a heap of semi cold chop suey (it was Wednesday) while futilely trying to get back up, and looking like an absolute jack ass while doing it. BTW, I think he was totally faking it. Surprisingly, even the bullies turned their backs on me from that point on, so I decided to try to befriend the burnouts. I started hanging out with them outside in the smoking area (schools actually had those then) between classes and noticed that they all liked to get high. That's when I thought of an awesome idea! At the time, I was using my dads white van (he gave me the van  after one just like it appeared on a local episode of Crime Stoppers. He said he wouldn't be caught dead driving the same type of car as a pedophile rapist. It's probably the only nice thing he ever did for me). So, I went to my uncle Jimmy's house...he was a "meth head" and I knew he cooked his own "shit". So I asked him if he could help me make the van into a rolling meth lab. He said he would be delighted to help, and then we gave each other a hug, but one of the scabs on his stomache stuck to my sweater and peeled off when I pulled away. Anyway, we had the lab up and running in no time! So the next day I pulled up in the school parking lot and called my new stoner friends over. I got out and told them I had a surprise for them. Eager to see it, one by one they entered the van, and they couldn't believe their red little eyes! It felt great--for once I was doing something nice, and not selfish, to get people to like me. I couldn't believe how good it felt to give!! Then suddenly, there was a huge explosion and I was blown out the back of the van! Human fireballs started exiting the van screaming in agony as the skin melted off their faces. I screamed, "Drop and Roll! DROP AND ROLL!!!," but the idiots wouldn't listen. (In their defense, it was probably cuz their ears had already melted off) Anyway, they just ran and ran--none of 'em rolled! And I said it like 3 times!! And get this--they blamed ME for this terrible accident.( As it turns out, after the investigation, it actually WAS my fault cuz I had lit a cigarette that had in-fact ignited the chemical fumes) Anyway,they all ended up horribly disfigured and hated my guts for it. I even went to visit one of them in the hospital and offered him my favorite denim jacket that had a wicked cool "RATT" patch sewn on the back of it, but his ungrateful family chased me down the hall and I had to hide in some alzheimer patients room for like 2 hours. Ugh. I felt bad for her a little because I ended up eating her lunch and had to restrain her from pressing the the button that alerts the nurse. It was okay, though, because to make up for it I gave her a bath before I left. She struggled a bit at first but once I got her arm up to the middle of her back her attitude changed drastically, for reals. It was for her own good. She stank like feces and green jello. Lastly,there is a silver lining to this whole story. A few years later one of the kids that was burned in the explosion, got a job as a stunt double for Freddy Krueger on the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, and now has a pretty cushy life. But get this-- I never even got so much as a thank you card. Can you believe that shiz?

Me!

Let me introduce myself. First off, if you're reading this and have a history of depression, turn back NOW!