I have a new girlfriend!!...Jealous??

So the other day my mom yelled from her bedroom and asked me if I would pick up some candy for her at the dollar store . At first I was pissed because I was in the middle of playing mortal combat on Xbox live against some 7 year old kid from Holland, and he overheard her and started giving me shit about it. He was saying stuff like, "Awwww...what's the matter? Mommy won't let you play with the big boys anymore?" So I called him a Nazi , and told him I knew his address and was gonna have his parents killed. Hehehehe! He fell for it and starting crying and then left the game. I was feeling pretty darn good about myself at that point, so I agreed to go to the store for my mom. She gave me $30.00 and the keys to her sweet 1990 chrysler Lebaron convertible that she no longer fits into. I was rollin' like a baller, biatch! So there I was, driving down the road with cold hard cash in my pocket and Europe's "the final countdown" cranking on the stereo while rockin my awesome limited edition men in black ray ban  sunglasses. I felt like a millon bucks! I came to a stop sign, and there standing on the corner was one of the most beautiful women had ever seen; She was tall, blonde and really, really skinny like a super model, and her face was thin and sculpted with high cheek bones. She sorta resembled a female Clint Eastwood (my favorite actor..."left turn clyde!" hahah). I sat there and hesitated for a moment trying to work up enough nerve to say something charming or witty to her. Then something amazing happened! She spoke to ME!!! "What's up," she said in a gruff voice (which ironicly sorta even sounded like Clint Eastwood) as she took another drag off her newport cigarette. "You wanna date?" I couldn't believe my ears...my uncle Jimmy had always told me how pretty girls would only date guys if they had fancy cars and alot of money but I never believed him cuz he huffs alot of paint and screams at himself in the mirror, but now here I was experiencing it first hand for myself! I had only been driving this sick whip for twenty minutes, and the first hot piece of ass I come across already wants to be my girlfriend!! Well... I wasn't about to blow this oppurtunity, cuz it had been a while since I'd gotten laid. The last time was when my auntie barbara drank too much wine at a family barbecue and pulled me into the toolshed when I was 13! So I looked at her and said "Yeah..I'd love to date you!" She kinda chuckled and then threw her cigarette on the ground and crushed it into the pavement with her really expensive looking high heeled shoe."Well, lets rock and roll!" she said as she opened the door and slid her unnervingly boney ass into the passenger seat . I was sooo nervous but she made me feel at ease right away...I mean RIGHT AWAY. "So, whatchoo want baby?" she said as she grabbed my peepee through my stonewashed wranglers. "Ummm...I dont know," I said nervously. Then she says, "How bout I blow you for twenty?" "Yay!!..that sounds great!" I said (but in my head I was thinking there's NO WAY I'm gonna last a whole twenty minutes!!). Then she says, "park behind there..that's a safe place..no cops," and she pointed to a store called " St.johns baptist church." So I pull in behind the store and parked. She must have really liked me a lot cuz she immediately unzipped my fly and started sucking on my dingaling!! It felt great ,but I felt kinda bad for her cuz earlier I had jerked off with olive oil and never washed it off, but it didn't seem to bother her one little bit!!  She kept asking me if I was gonna "come" but wouldn't finish her sentence cuz she was really into sucking my weiner. So I just assumed she meant come meet her parents. Wow, can you say Fatal attraction? (cue music from psycho). I suddenly felt all tingley and light-headed and a bunch of white stuff came out of my peehole. Then I got real tired and we both sat there for a minute while she smoked another cigarette.She then turns to me and says, "Alright, gimme twenty and you can bring me back." So I'm like, "Are you fucking nuts? Look, I think you're really nice and all ,and I enjoy spending time with you, but there's no way I can do it for twenty. Maybe tomorrow I can, after I've rested a bit, babe." Suddenly she was like Jekyl and Hyde and went absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY!! She started screaming all kinds of crazy shit and threatening my life and said that I had "fucked with the wrong bitch today". Then I said that I couldn't believe how much she had changed, and that she wasn't the same person I met a half hour ago and then I added that I didn't think things were gonna work out between us. That only sent her into more of a rage and at this point she started having yucky looking yellowy gunk forming at the corners of her mouth. She couldn't take it cuz I had broken her heart! Then she took out her cell phone and called somebody named "Jubba". A couple minutes later this tricked out cadillac pulls up behind us and some big black guy dressed in a what looks to me like a Cowboy/ Mr.T halloween costume. "Ha! Now you're fucked, asshole!" she says, as she gets out of the car, and then starts telling him how I owe her twenty and that I refuse to give it to her. He then walks over to my car window and says, "Listen, Cracker, my lady here say you got some service and owe her twenty." Then I said, "YOUR  LADY???!!!" That's when I realized that this bitch was playin both of us!!! I told him, "Well, I hate to break it to you pal, but she just cheated on you with me!!!"  He then got a reallly confused look on his face and said, "What da fuck you talkin' bout whiteboy? You know she a fucking ho, right??" Well, I saw RED! Even though we were broken up I wasn't gonna let ANYONE talk that way about her!  Infuriated, I got out of the car ready to defend my now ex-girlfriend's honor, but to my surprise,he was MUCH ,MUCH, MUCH, MUCH  more stronger than me!! He picked me up by my feet and held me upside down and shook me ferociously until all the contents in my pockets emptied out onto the pavement. Then he swung me like a rag doll throwing me about 15 feet into the woods and  directly into a giant old oak tree. Crumpled in heap of flesh and broken bones, I watched helplessly as he picked up the $30.00 dollars my mom had so trusted me with.Then he held up a $10 bill and yelled to me, "This is my tip, asshoow!" Then they both got in his car and beeped the horn obnoxiously to mock me as they sped off into the distance. It took me a few hours to muster enough strength to finally drag my partially paralyzed body back to my car. When I got home my mom was pretty well pissed about the $30.00 bucks, so a few weeks later, when I got out of the hospital she made me work it off by reshingling the whole house and going to ball room dancing classes with her. I stll see my ex from time to time, still standing on that same old street corner. She's a little skinnier now and the soars on her legs are a little more pronounced. Time hasn't been kind to this little butterfly. I often beep and wave, but she just flips me the bird and yells some profanities, then resumes swatting away invisible flies and scratching vigorously at her sunken, tiny face. Guess she still has some hard feelings about how it ended. I often wonder how my life would have been different if things had worked out between us. We'd probably have a nice house somewhere with a picket fence, two kids and a dog which we would  have of course affectionately named Jubba. But it wasn't in the cards, I guess. I have a strange feeling though that one day we may be able to put every thing behind us, and learn to forgive each other and possibly patch things up. Of course, I could be wrong, but something tells me that she's out there thinking the same thing too. Then I could ask her why my balls itch so much and look like flesh-colored cauliflower. I guess only time will tell.