- I'm up late one night wearing my home-made Snuggie that I made out of an old shower curtain, just chillin' and watching some movie starring Valeri bertonelli, meridith Baxter and Tara read on the Hallmark channel--It was a comedy, something to do with cancer and rape. Anyway, this commercial comes on with some old guy that kinda looks like santa walking through what could only be described as a town made entirerly of dog poo, with a bunch of kids following and taunting him. At first, I thought it must be a commercial for a new Blu-ray edition of Star Wars and the old dude was Obi wan Kenobi and the kids were dirty naked Jawas. I was like, "Goddamnit George Lucas !! stop tweaking Star Wars already! Jawas wear robes!!" Then I turned the volume up and realized that this old guy wanted me to sponser some kid for "a cup of coffee a day." My first thought was like, "Wtf?..little kids drink coffee in Guatemala? Why do they need so much energy? What a strange stupid culture cuz its different, but whatever." Then they showed a few kids picking through a giant pile of scrap metal, and then it all made sense to me--they must need lots of energy to be able to climb those things! So I called the number on the screen, and some lady answered with some weird Chinesey accent. I didn't really listen to what she was saying because the cancer\rape movie came back on and I wanted to see if they were gonna show some boobies. Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and I kinda forgot all about it..Then I get this letter in the mail from them and I'm like "Faaaaak," I need to send these weirdos some coffee! So I went to the supermarket and got a box of Maxwell House singles instant coffee packets. Then went back home and sent one out in the mail. About a week later I get another letter and this one's from Guatemala! I open the letter and it looks like a retarded penguin got hold of a crayon and drew a bunch of jibberish and some silly looking stick figures dancing. Also inside, there was a polaroid photo enclosed of some jerk kid named Luca, and he had a big smile on his face. I guess this was the thank you letter that the lady on the phone said I would recieve. Then it occured to me: these bastards were obviously making fun of the stupid American that they scammed into sending them free coffee!!" And the little prick in the picture was laughing at me! I was livid! I felt sooo stupid because I had just seen a show about these type of scams on Dateline a couple months ago, but I never thought it would happen to me! Well, I wasn't gonna take this sitting down! I booked a flight that same night with my mom's credit card that she said I could use in the case of an emergency (Its cool, she gets to keep the miles...It's gonna be my christmas present to her) I arrived in Guatemala the next day, and Holy Crap...what a SHITHOLE! And there wasn't even a fucking Taco Bell or Mcdonalds anywhere! I couldn't believe my eyes. There was actually live donkeys in the streets pulling carts and shit! They had a few cars, but no cool ones like porshes or lambo's like we do. Everyone there has a tan and wears stupid out of date shirts and mom jeans. One guy I saw actually had a B.U.M. Equipment t-shirt on!! Hahaha....Get with the times LOSER!! Finally, I find some douche that spoke a little bit of english and showed him the letter I got from the scammers. So he looks at it and says, "Ohhh, yes. Good! This is very, very good and nice sir!" So I say to myself, "Good and nice??? Holy shit. This motherfuckers in on the scam!! O.k. I'll play his little game." "So can you take me there?" I ask. "Yes,yes...of course!" he says. "I know right were this village is." So we walk down all these shitty dirt roads for what seemed like miles, and finally come upon this ugly crappy little village in the middle of nowhere. We stop and he says, "This is it, sir. You can find the child who wrote to you in the school over there." Right then I know he's lying cuz he's pointing at this little cruddy shack that looks NOTHING like a school, and 'Im like, "Oh okay, thanks chico," and then I kicked him in the nuts and bolted into the so called "school" hoping to catch them off guard and screamed, "YOU MOTHER FUCKERS THINK YOU CAN SCAM ME??! All these little kids brown faces turned ghost white and had the fear of God in their eyes! One kid even fell back in his chair and starting cryin' like a little biatch! They all had paper and crayons and were drawing more of their so called "thank you" cards. This was obviously their base of operation and I had caught them red-handed! Their boss was this older brownish lady that started yelling at me in some nonsensical language. That's when I saw that little asshole jerk kid, Luca, the little fucker that sent me the letter. He was just looking at me with his mouth wide open. He knew he was busted! I pulled out the letter and held it up in my hand and shook it angrily at them and shouted, "You assholes watch american television with a bunch of moronic actors on it, like that show Life Goes On, and you think that we're ALL that stupid! Well, we're not!" Suddenly I felt a whack on my head, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the back of an old pick up truck, hog tied with my mouth taped shut. We came to a clearing in a field and a couple of mean lookin brown dudes came out of the trucks cab and pulled me out and untied me. Then they said in remarkably clear english "Run amigo." I was gonna fight them at first but they had a gun,so I decided to take their advice and ran so fast that my acid reflux acted up and I puked all down the front of my shirt, but whatever. I still got my revenge in the end cuz I never sent them anymore coffee! Hope you like climbing piles of garbage tired Amigo"s!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment