Me!

Let me introduce myself. First off, if you're reading this and have a history of depression, turn back NOW!

Hi my name is morty. I'm 42 years old and live with my morbidly obese mommy.I have been diagnosed as being bi-polar or as my therapist puts it "seriously fucked in the head"(Hahaha...he's really funny and jokes around alot!) I dont work, but I collect a sweet disability check every month for $732.00!! My neighbors are really jealous of me and either refer to me as "The guy with blood on his pants."or " That weird guy that hangs out around the bus stop" Every morning I have to get a sponge and a big bucket of warm water from the kitchen sink then go to my moms room and clean all the grimey smeg that has collected under her fat flaps that she cant reach so that she doesn't get soars all over her  "jabba the huttish body".After i'm done scrubbing her flaps, I go back to the kitchen and make her, her usual  breakfast,. A 24 egg, ham and steak omlette,12 pieces of burnt toast with xtra butter and a gallon of o.j. Then its finally "me time!" I go to the fridge and get myself a Motts apple cider juicy box and some string cheese. Then I check the outside deck that faces the back yard to see if any of my little squirrel friends are out there. If there are, I gently open my slider door and call out softly to them as I scatter some peanuts and birdseed around for them to munch on.Then I close the slider, pull up a chair and sit back behind the glass and watch them fill their adorable little faces as I methodicly sip my delicious juicy box , and For those few fleeting moments every morning ,Everything just seems right with the world, an unspoken trust between man and beast. Then the sugar rush kicks in and without warning, I leap up from my seat as if someone just poured a pot of hot boiling liquid on my naked and hairless testicles, thrust the slider door open so hard that it almost comes off its metal bearings ,run out on the deck with my arms flailing around hystericly and scream at the top of my lungs "NOTHING IN LIFE'S FREE, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!!" Stunned and panic stricken , the rodents disperse chaotically and make suicidal leaps off the deck into the surrounding trees. Then I stand there stone faced in the eerie silence being completely still  for a moment scanning the tree line while listening and searching for any sign of movement. My next door neighbor,Mr.Galliger is usualy out in his back yard watering his plants and he'll just shoot me a dirty look and shake his head in disgust. So then I just stare at him intently through my xtra thick coke bottle glasses until he feels really uncomfotable and walks back into his house defeated. Feeling drained and spent from expending so much energy..I go back in the house,hang my red snuggie back up, climb back in my awesome race car shaped bed and take a nice morning nappy.