Where It all went wrong.

A wise man once said to me...."You are most likely retarded, and you can't come to class anymore smelling like urine." That was my high school geometry teacher, Mr. Sullivan. I never really fit in with any of the various cliques in high school. I tried to fit in with the bullies for a while, but that didn't work because 99% of the kids were bigger and stronger than me, so I  had to resort to picking on the special needs kids..But man, those mongoloids are alot stronger than they look. So I decided to go for an easier target--the ones with cerebral palsy. Anyway, one day in the cafeteria I decided to yank away this kid's metal walking crutches and and he fell to the ground with his lunch tray and his food went everywhere!! To my comlete surprise, nobody laughed...there was just silence and a few gasps. So right then and there I decided that I was NEVER gonna look as foolish as this asshole did sitting there in a heap of semi cold chop suey (it was Wednesday) while futilely trying to get back up, and looking like an absolute jack ass while doing it. BTW, I think he was totally faking it. Surprisingly, even the bullies turned their backs on me from that point on, so I decided to try to befriend the burnouts. I started hanging out with them outside in the smoking area (schools actually had those then) between classes and noticed that they all liked to get high. That's when I thought of an awesome idea! At the time, I was using my dads white van (he gave me the van  after one just like it appeared on a local episode of Crime Stoppers. He said he wouldn't be caught dead driving the same type of car as a pedophile rapist. It's probably the only nice thing he ever did for me). So, I went to my uncle Jimmy's house...he was a "meth head" and I knew he cooked his own "shit". So I asked him if he could help me make the van into a rolling meth lab. He said he would be delighted to help, and then we gave each other a hug, but one of the scabs on his stomache stuck to my sweater and peeled off when I pulled away. Anyway, we had the lab up and running in no time! So the next day I pulled up in the school parking lot and called my new stoner friends over. I got out and told them I had a surprise for them. Eager to see it, one by one they entered the van, and they couldn't believe their red little eyes! It felt great--for once I was doing something nice, and not selfish, to get people to like me. I couldn't believe how good it felt to give!! Then suddenly, there was a huge explosion and I was blown out the back of the van! Human fireballs started exiting the van screaming in agony as the skin melted off their faces. I screamed, "Drop and Roll! DROP AND ROLL!!!," but the idiots wouldn't listen. (In their defense, it was probably cuz their ears had already melted off) Anyway, they just ran and ran--none of 'em rolled! And I said it like 3 times!! And get this--they blamed ME for this terrible accident.( As it turns out, after the investigation, it actually WAS my fault cuz I had lit a cigarette that had in-fact ignited the chemical fumes) Anyway,they all ended up horribly disfigured and hated my guts for it. I even went to visit one of them in the hospital and offered him my favorite denim jacket that had a wicked cool "RATT" patch sewn on the back of it, but his ungrateful family chased me down the hall and I had to hide in some alzheimer patients room for like 2 hours. Ugh. I felt bad for her a little because I ended up eating her lunch and had to restrain her from pressing the the button that alerts the nurse. It was okay, though, because to make up for it I gave her a bath before I left. She struggled a bit at first but once I got her arm up to the middle of her back her attitude changed drastically, for reals. It was for her own good. She stank like feces and green jello. Lastly,there is a silver lining to this whole story. A few years later one of the kids that was burned in the explosion, got a job as a stunt double for Freddy Krueger on the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, and now has a pretty cushy life. But get this-- I never even got so much as a thank you card. Can you believe that shiz?